What do you live for?

"Being willing is not enough; we must do." -Leonardo da Vinci

My whole life I've been "wanted"
       Empty words filled my ears
       Fell on my heart without action.
Creating hope and disappointment
       Each one as strong as the other.

My grandmother lived out of respect,
Thus far I have lived out of love.
        Her advice to me is to live for myself.
               To seek happiness for myself first and not for others...
               and foremost and let the rest fall into place.
I'm trying to follow it, but that's hard to do when I want to give my happiness away to the detriment of myself and the betterment of others.

"Approach things with hunger and just enough fear. Plenty of confidence... Paralyzing fear does nothing, but the kind of fear [that] makes me more focused, more aware, more heightened." -Queen Latifah (Dana Owens)

It is never too late to be, to change, to do. If your desires change, so should your actions.

Do what you love, no matter how insignificant it may seem. If you find joy in it, do it.

"Intuition is really a sudden immersion of the soul into the universal current of life..." -Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

Don't Worry

I was always shouting at the top of my lungs trying to be heard
but it fell on deaf ears

Now I'm standing here mute and you hear me loud and clear

What a beautiful time, what a great match
Then *snap* it all came to a halt
         the truth came out, the good times were done
         the fun is over, the potential squandered.
But don't worry,
         There's nothing left to break.
         My hearts already in pieces.
Don't worry
        Message received, I got the hint
        I won't bother you anymore
        Sorry for the misunderstanding

This is how it goes
        You helped me get over him
        Now who's gonna help me get over you?

Past dug up, hit us both like trains
        I, shaking beside you as you held me close
        I, giving you clarity as tears fell down your face
Too serious, too soon and altogether not.
We meshed so well, hand in hand
        without a second thought
I wrapped my arms around you and we danced to the silence in our heads

It's all for the best. It always is.
You still want her and that's fine.
Just let me step out of the splash zone.
If you want someone cold, distant, decisive
       So cerebral you can't actually connect
       Go right ahead
I'm too sweet? I'm too kind? Too caring and nurturing? So scared I could actually help heal your broken soul
That's fine, I understand

You've already helped me in so many ways
       you'll never know how effective you were
You helped me get over him, and the him before
You helped me regain hope for kindness in a partner
You helped me communicate, but then became silent yourself... a trait you'll soon regain as it is innate within you

We fit so well, but timing is everything, and your emotional meteor hit at an inopportune time, putting distance between us was your choice and I don't know if I'll still be around when you come back from the journey you're on...

You don't believe in love and there's no wondering why, you invested your heart, time, and effort in someone who didn't care. For years, your programmer took control over your thoughts.

Breaking Through Walls

"Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here." -Max Ehrmann

The past provided the bricks and cement
       to build my wall high and strong.
The present provides ceaseless gentle rainfall
       to erode the wall of hurt and pain
       to crack the wall of fear and pride
       to make way for the light piercing through
The sun found its way to my heart
The wind blew into my soul
The water cleansed my body
       So that I could start this day anew
       Stronger than before, as all elements, surrounded me, engulfed me with their baseness

Just as my feet felt the earth below them
       supporting every inch, every inch that knew an ever-ending ache, a constant soreness which is now fading, replaced with a divine fortitude

Everything is different and new yet returning to
        a state which once was familiar
        A state of being and altogether not.

I

What do I want?
         Who am I?
                 What is I?
                                                  I wish for a world I would like to live in.
I am limitless.
   I am magnificent.
      I am necessary.
I want to travel without direction.
I want others to learn compassion.
I want to feed others beyond the physical.
           I want others to bloom.
           I want to spread love.
I want to be appreciated.
I want to have an appetite for life/living.
I want to be recognized.
I want to be understood.
I want to write in a beautiful home.
I want to have a group of close, true friends/support.

I need to take care of myself.
   I need to figure out where/how I want to love on a daily basis.
I want to visit with all of my family soon.

I wish not to live by the monetary and social confines of this world.
I wish for the strength to carry on, move forward, light the world when giving up seems like the only logical option.

I like to believe I have some effect on this world
              each act of kindness
              each smile
              each hug
                          slowly chipping away at the steel-colored paint of hatred and indifference.
I want to create
           finger paint, sing, entertain, etc.
                  and not be afraid to share it with the world.
I want to remove fear and self-consciousness from myself and others

Part of me just wants to disappear because I already feel invisible and useless

Where does my self worth originate from?
                 "Achievements?" "Family?" What's the point?
                             Nothing is of any value and I'm no different.
                  everything I believe to be true comes from centuries of untruths, inculcations...
if I do nothing, useless; if I have routine, pointless
    anything I "achieve" means nothing in the end...
So then why do I care about what other people think?/are doing?/aren't doing?